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Fantastic Four is a Fantastic Fail

Don't Go There, Just Don't.

Don’t Go There, Just Don’t.

Fantastic Four is a fantastic fail of epic proportions. Seriously, I don’t even know where to begin and I honestly can’t remember a movie so bad since Catwoman.  I mean it actually makes the 2005 version look decent, or at least bearable.

Here is a list of just some of the problems.  A horribly cliché script, a tedious and meandering plot, a villain who has no real motivation to be a villain as well as having powers that are completely undefined (apparently he can just blow people’s heads up), characters that you never connect with or feel anything for and who have no tension at all when they really need to, and the list goes on.

The origin story takes way too long to get started and for some reason feels the need to establish some sort of forced friendship between Rich Reid and Ben Grimm.  Why these two became best friends, and why Ben Grimm needed to be in the movie at all (other than they needed a Thing) we will never know. At the very least they could have had a poor Reid being picked on and Grimm steps up to defend him and a bond is forged but that would have involved too much plot.

The thing is it takes way too long for them to even become the “Fantastic” Four. We all know what is going to happen, we all know they will be transported to some other dimension and while there something will go horribly wrong, thus giving them their powers. Only Sue isn’t there, she is back in the control room when they come back and some explosion happens. So how exactly did she get her powers? They never say.

Of course Doctor Doom, who seems more petulant then evil, goes to the other dimension with them but gets left behind, just like your attention span by now. Somehow he is able to stick his hand in raw, unknown energy and survive, which is good because he ends up falling into it later on.

The only interesting part is when the Four are developing their powers. It turns into a bit of a horror movie when Reid is stretching out and Johnny Storm is on fire, all uncontrollably. But that doesn’t last long and soon Reid runs to Panama…for a year!  What happened during that year? Who knows or cares by this point? How did Doom survive for a year in the other dimension? It’s a mystery.

At this point I don’t even have the heart to tell you what else happens and it actually brings about emotional trauma just reliving it all. Don’t see this movie, ever. Somebody asked me if this movie was even worth seeing on DVD. My answer is if I was still drinking and had watched every DVD I ever wanted then maybe it would be. On second thought, no, it still isn’t. Don’t see this movie, ever.

 

PS- For the record we knew beforehand it would be bad, just not that bad. And we wanted to take one for the team so you wouldn’t have to. Check out our podcast on it at www.crazy4comicon.com.

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