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Psst, Wanna Buy A Sandwich?

From the You Can’t Make This Stuff Up Dept.

My housing situation continues to de-evolve into more and more weirdness (I am desperately looking for a new place) so with that in mind I bring you this strange tale.

I work nights, so I sleep during the day and nearly a day goes by without my roommate knocking on the door and waking me up for something. This time I open the door and he asks to come in. I sigh and tell him sure and then I notice the Von’s grocery bag he is carrying. He sits down with a sort of smirk (and he is 57, so it only adds to the weirdness) and something like this transpires.

He reaches in the bag and pulls out a premade sub sandwich. “You eat these on lunch at work don’t you?”

“Sometimes,” I respond as I do eat sandwiches. He then pulls out a box of Triscuits.

“And you like these right?”

“Sure.” I said, although I personally like Wheat Thins better.

“And I have these Kettle cooked chips. Okay, I opened it and had a few but most are still there. And lastly, I have some packets of cheddar cheese.” He puts all of this on the floor before me. “How much do you think this is all worth? Probably ten or so bucks, right?”

“Something like that I guess”

“So will you buy it? I need money for cigarettes big time!”

I wondered how he had money for food but not smokes. Did he steal it? Or go to the Catholic food bank, get it for free and is now pawning it off on me? I looked at the food. I never asked him to buy me food but I guess it was mostly stuff I could eat. Also, my roommate is more or less broke and on disability so money is a problem for him. I decided I would at lest see what I had in my wallet.

I had seven bucks., plus some loose change. I told him that was all I got and he said it would do for a cheap pack. He then left and I ate some cheese.

The thing is the whole thing was so conspiratorial in nature and his sheepish look said he knew he was being kind of pathetic. I see in the near future something like this happening.

I am walking past an ally way by a strip mall and I hear, “Psst, over here….”

I turn to look and it’s my roommate wearing a trench coat and fedora.

“Pstst…..over here. Wanna by a sandwich?”

“What are you doing….”

“Quick! In the alley before anyone sees.!” He says in desperation.

I look around to see if anyone is watching. The coast is clear so I duck into the ally with him.

He holds open one side of his coat and it’s filled with sub sandwiches.

“I’ve got everything you could want. You like Pastrami? I got it. How about turkey and cheese? Bingo. I even got a BLT, all for the price of a pack of smokes.”

I dig through my wallet, all I have is a Subway card. “You take Subway?”

“……give it to me and I’ll sell it for cash.”

“Okay deal,” I say.

And with that I walk away, Pastrami sandwich in hand.

But seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

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